Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
