I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she told me i tasted like america
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
