youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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