A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
