Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
