I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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