Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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