I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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