Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
