i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.