Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
