I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
