so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize