There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
