Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
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They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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