I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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