Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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