We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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