Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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