Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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