are you so shy because you have an std?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
