you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
