I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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