Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
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