your parents love me but you hate me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
