I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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