My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
