Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
