The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
