As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Semen is not good for contacts.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
