Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
