No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
