whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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