i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's not a walk of shame if you run
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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