I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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