i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
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Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
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Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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