I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
