if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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