you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
