Swine flu. Run for my life!
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
