I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
