Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
