i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
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I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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