His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
