Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
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The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
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When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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