if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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