The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
