I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
