good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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