I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
