That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
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Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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