Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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