I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
