When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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