I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
