She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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