I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
