Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
