I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
