My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize