Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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