Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Dick very happy bro
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
