he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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