4 words: hood of his car
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize