How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
