I wish I could punch you in the face.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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